Today is a significant date in my life and in the history of LolaLand Creations. It is part of the reason LolaLand Creations exists. It is a date that has greatly shaped my life - a date of remembrance of grief and loss and yet a reminder of a bigger hope than this life and of present and future joy. August 27, 2009 was the estimated due date of my husband's and my first child - a day that came to pass without fulfillment of the promise and hopes it once held - a day robbed by miscarriage.
Miscarriage is like an exclusive club into which you suddenly find yourself forced. Nobody wants to join it, but there is great fellowship in it. One of the things that makes miscarriage so difficult is that it is often a physically intangible loss. Sure, it's certainly tangible to
your body, but often, you do not get to hold your child in your arms or in some cases the palm of your hand. I didn't even have an ultrasound picture from my first pregnancy to have as a memorial to my dearly missed child. I had nothing tangible to hold onto. It is hard to explain to others the depth of loss from not only the loss of a child but the loss of hopes, dreams, naivety, and all the future joy of getting know and raise your precious little one. It can be difficult for others to mourn with you through it since there's nothing tangible to them to help them understand.
During the same month but before that pregnancy began, a sweet friend taught me how to chain and single crochet. Later in my miscarriage journey, my church's miscarriage and infertility ministry blessed me with a memory box. Amongst other things of encouragement, in the box, was a small hand-knit blanket. My eyes are watering right now just thinking of how that small blanket and box encouraged me. For me, it was finally a tangible recognition of my grief. It was a truly compassionate way for ladies who have walked similar paths to love on me and assure me that my grief was legitimate. The blanket especially touched my heart since I had learned to crochet and knew first-hand how much love, time, and sacrifice goes into handmade goods. Oh how I clutched that blanket and wept! The thought that someone spent time, energy, and financial resources to encourage me through difficult days was a powerful reminder to me of God's great love for me when I found myself struggling to believe I was lovable.
As I walked this path, I found it very difficult to share about my journey and grief with others who had not also experienced miscarriage. From talking with other friends who have since walked similar paths, I guess it's a way that we try to cope - we try to shove down the pain and fake our idea of 'normalcy' instead of opening ourselves up to community encouragement and help with bearing the burden. We tell ourselves that those who have not experienced it cannot have the level of compassion for which we so yearn. Though they may not be able to understand
exactly what we're going through, the idea that others cannot have
some understanding and cannot truly empathize is such a lie! Have not others had and lost? Have not others suffered disappointed hopes and shattered dreams? Have not others experienced bitter grief at some point? Oh, ladies, men, families suffering miscarriage - do not give in to the lie! I beg you! Find rest and comfort in fellowship - allow others help you carry your heavy burden. It is a heavy and dark road to walk alone.
And so LolaLand Creations was eventually birthed. I was given this story for the glory of God, and I feel I must share it. As Jeremiah 20:9 says, "If I say, 'I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name,' there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot." So I craft to worship, I craft because it has been used in the process of healing, I craft to share the story given me for the encouragement of others, I craft to proclaim with tested and increased faith that God is good and does good (and has shown it through the death and resurrection of Christ, exchanging my punishment for unrighteousness for His righteousness), and I craft to love on others by currently giving approximately 10% of the sale price of all
LolaLand Creations to the
Hopeful Hearts (the miscarriage, infertility, and early infant loss) ministry which gave so much to me.
And so, August 27th for me is a day of both sadness and joy. Wishing you all faith, hope, and love! Thanks for reading!
